Hi I am Jon Epsteyn. Today I've been invited to contribute, as a guest blogger, to the Save Reno Dumpster Diving campaign. Some of you may remember me as the host from the Reno themed adventure show Keep'n it Reno. In this post, I'm just going to contribute my two cents--Dumpster Diving can be an adventure sport.
One man's trash, is another man's retirement fund...
...and food for the month.
Listen. Let's get real here. NO, I'm serious.
Modern American society discards more food and functional items than anywhere else on the plantet--check it, America's trash is trea$ure RICH. Studies estimate stores throw away more than 55 billion pounds of food a year, and Americans waste $43 billion worth of food a year. This isn't even touching upon non-edible goods. With all this wasted food being thrown away on a daily basis--why go to a restaurant--bins of glory are lurking everywhere.
How can anyone think to outlaw "trash scavening". Get real people--you are telling me, the sofa I picked-up from the curb (that is oh so perfectly broken in) is a crime. Or going to be a crime. The "bruised" bananas aren't edible? Come on. Let's think about this smartly. Let's IQ it to the stratosphere...
Ever wonder what it's like to Dumpster Dive?
Let me give you a few tips.
[Caution to newbies: If it is your first time, and you are feeling kinda weird climbing into a dumpster-- DON'T!!! Ask a bum for tips. If you are too shy to do that, here are my tips for successful adventures in salvaging science.]
1. Just think of it as climbing into a second-hand store with a slightly different smell. Personally, I like to wear my full piece Dumpster Man technical diving suit--cape-of-superness, breathing apparatus--think S.C.U.B.A. or aromatherapy--and all (I like fresh scents and so do the bikinied hotties I dive with).
2. Water proof boots are key, never go in without a rubber. Better safe than sorry (hard-core divers should google trench foot if you doubt my hard won wisdom).
3. In winter, a good pair of ski gloves are excellent for snowball construction and, even more, they keep the fingy's safe from poky's in the bin. At other times, in warmer environs, desinger leathers are my favorite cover.
4. This might not be a tip, but more a personal preferences--GO AT NIGHT: that way, less people are around to look at you funny and judge you. Isn't it funny the morals some attach to this pastime? Be a strong proud diver and resist their glares of indignition. By this method--diving can be a spiritual adventure--you serve the earth through commodity salvation (vis-a-vis consumption) and through participating in this activity you build a tolerance to social pressure. Do it. Feel it. Dive!!! Dive!!! Dive!!!
5. If you are still hestitant, my best ninja channeled super secret tip is: BE LIKE THE RACCOONS. Study their style, follow their ways, meditate on the raccoon-totem and earn your black belt in the kingdom of SUPER DUMPSTER DIVING GLORY.
6. Don't get overwhelmed or greedy. There is a lot, a ton, a freaking horrendous clusterfucking and outrageous amount of diving gold out there for the taking. Leave Walmart for the suckers. The only business model that will discount to zero is the trash. Always know this, grasshopper, there will always be treasure. Who needs a bailout when you can just dive in? SPLASH on that Wall Street, put your dumpster diving speedos on and let that DOW average plunge.
6. Bring your date on a Dumpster Diving Adventure. If she/he/shim can't hack it--they ain't worth it. There is no better way to identify a gold digger. Unless you're bucks-up and a tool, TEST YOUR MATE IN THE DUMPSTER: this is hard won knowledge and the best dating advice I ever learned from the GREAT INDIAN DIVING GURU popularly known as Swami-Have-Big-Harem-Must-Dive-To-Feed-My-800-Offspring-Dumpster-Makes-Me-True-Man-Krishna; bless his enlightened buddha-being, he recently left this realm in an untimely manner, after diving at what he thought was an Indian Viagra factory. He wound-up overdosing on pills that were actually Gandhi evapo-sea-salt (Adios British) and baking soda. A tear drops; but, a smile lingers because my intimate s*xual relations have never been so fulfilling since I began practicing his gold-digger ident DUMPSTER DATE ADVENTURE method of soul mate salaciousness. As Swami always said, "You're never in the dumps when you're in love with a dumpster diver."
7. Finally, chill. Have fun. Take your time. Breathe deep and ponder. Expand your awareness; expel your consumptive habits. Reduce your ecological debt and feel good. Be proud. Sing the glories of the dumpster. Join a Dumpster Diving Choir. Reclaim the refuse. Dignify the dumpster. Because you are doing it, others will follow. Remember, we are the circle of life. Ignore the social conditioning that is the voice causing doubt in your head. Dive!!! Dive!!! Dive!!!....and leave the mass market behind. What????
Dive!!! Dive!!! Dive!!!
ANNOUNCEMENMT: Come one and all--the curious, the hesitant, the sympathizers and the dumpster-diving hardcore to the Save Reno Dumpster Diving Party on December 14th. Stay tuned to get hip with the time and place to party, talk trash, connect and share Dumpster Diving Adventures. LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.